Perhaps we all want to resolve the suffering our young survival strategies create, but equally, we do not want to experience the disturbance and panic required to do so. Rather than ignoring our contradictory feelings, the kindest thing to do—for ourselves and for others—is to bring awareness to those feelings.
You can keep yourself company as you check out your more vulnerable experience, reassuring yourself that you are safe by going back into what might be called neurotic experience whenever you choose—taking little risks, then retreating into safety, and then going back again. If you care to try this out, continue with this meditation.
Find a few minutes when you won’t feel distracted. Sit somewhere comfortable. Take a few deep breaths, if that might help bring your attention to the present moment.
- RECOLLECTING A CORE VULNERABILITY Bring to mind a core vulnerability in your life—something you’ve developed strategies around not feeling. You may have some clarity about what your vulnerabilities are, or you may not. If not, just bring to mind some fear you’re aware of. For example, if you’re afraid of feeling something, that experience must already be there; it must already be a part of your life. First comes a feeling you can’t handle, then come your strategies for not feeling it. Imagine acknowledging that fear from as great a distance as you choose, and just let it be there. No need to understand, heal, process, or make it go away. Just experience being in relationship with that fear.
How is it to hold that fear in your awareness? What do you feel in your body? Does it feel familiar or unfamiliar?
- PERMISSION TO IGNORE THAT FEAR Now, give yourself permission to ignore that fear. Participate in that experience as well.
Where does your mind go? Is it easy or difficult to move away from that fear?
- RE-ENGAGING WITH FEAR Once again, step back into relation with that fear. Feel what that’s like.
What do you notice? Is it easier to be with the fear? Harder? Do the same sensations arise in your body this time?
You might go back and forth like this several times, doing your best to stay present and embodied while you do so. There is no agenda to resolve anything—just an invitation to be more aware of what’s already true.